The Stages of Saying I Love You
by Cynthia03
Summary: The 3 times Emma thought about saying I Love You and the 1 time she did. M for language


**THE STAGES OF SAYING I LOVE YOU**

 _ **The moment when you think you think it**_

It was really happening once more.

She had finally found her family, her parents and her son, and now it was all taken away from her. Well not all; she gets to keep Henry.

Emma was finally accepting her crazy life – being the Savior, the daughter of Prince Charming and Snow White, Neal being Rumplestilstkin's son and leaving her all those years ago cause Pinocchio told him to. Sharing her son with the Evil Queen and travelling to two different realms that she had only ever heard in fairytales (and don't even get her started about all the damn fairytale characters. Pan was a villain and her son's great grandfather. _Really_ ).

She was also starting to accept a certain devilishly handsome pirate who had annoyed her so much because Emma Swan _does not_ feel. She does not need love or romance or anything in her life. She definitely doesn't think about his soft lips over hers, or the way he mutters " _As you wish_ " to all her wishes or commands (she really ought to ask him if he's somehow seen _The Princess Bride_ in wherever the hell he was). She doesn't think about his heated gaze on her, or how he makes her feel like a complete teenager in front of him – fluttering eyes, increased heartbeats and butterflies in her stomach. And she definitely doesn't think about his sincere eyes boring into hers full of admiration and love infatuation, as he vows to win her heart, " _When I win your heart Emma, and I will win it; it won't be because of any trickery, it will be because you want me_ "

Well, he did. _NO_ Emma thought; she definitely did not just think that. There's no way she even _likes_ this pirate, let alone love him. He's just a pretty face who seems to like her – that's it. Seriously, she does not _feel_ anything for him. Obviously not.

"Swan"he whispers. Emma stops, she doesn't really want to look at him – what if somehow he sees what she just had been thinking? He does seem to read her like an open book. Emma can't look at him, she doesn't want to look at him, because now she won't get a chance with him, a chance to do or have or be something she isn't even sure about. But all she knows is that when she was sitting at the shore, trying to avoid the lunch date with Neal and her father was giving her the moments speech, all she was thinking about was _him._ Surely, that meant something right?

She at least owed him a good-bye and at this moment did it really matter that he knows that maybe she thought about him. Maybe dwelled on his vow to win her heart, maybe got jealous when she saw him with Tink, or maybe she didn't go towards him to say goodbye because she knew he'll come to her and it was too painful for her to go to him – to give him any hope of that yes Emma also wanted the fun he promised in Neverland, to begin. But well it all doesn't matter now, she was leaving with Henry. So when he told her another beautiful declaration with his eyes gazing into hers of " _Not a day will go by that I won't think of you"_ Emma answers it with a _"Good"_ and smiles back at him when his lips tug into one and the flicker of hope shines in his eyes, mirroring hers.

For a fleeting moment there, Emma thought she thought about loving him. About him being able to win her heart as he had vowed. She _thought_.

 _ **The moment when you think you know it (but don't want to admit it)**_

How dare she?

How did the stupid green bitch even think that Emma Swan would _want_ to kiss him? Obviously she didn't want to kiss this pirate senseless who had found her in another realm altogether by god knows what way and had returned her memories with a " _I came back to save you"_.

Emma was pissed at him. He had tried to send Henry away without her knowledge or permission and hadn't told her about the curse on his lips. She was pissed at herself for trusting him – trusting the care of the one person in her life that she loves the most in his hands (well, a hand and a hook). Pissed at somehow being happy that Henry and him were getting along.

Honestly, though she would never admit that to herself, the only reason she was angry was that she was hurt that Killian had kept something from her. Pissed at how Zelena had used him as a way to take her magic, cornered him into such a difficult stage of deciding whether to keep the truth about his lips from her or to ensure the safety of her boy.

Pissed at Zelena as finally Emma was having some fun with the pirate – showing off her magic and teasing him by disappearing his hook, and in turn giggling at his exasperation. She had even told him that she didn't care – didn't care about whatever he did in the past year because she was _tired of living in the past_. She was telling him, in her own way, that she is ready to let go, and to maybe seek a new future. And he hadn't reacted the way she wished he would've and now it's clear that it was because of the green bitch.

And now she was raged at her. How fucking dare she try to threaten _him_. How dare she try to drown a sailor? When Emma pulled Hook, no _Killian_ out of the water, she was terrified. Her brain had shut down completely and all thoughts of reasoning had disappeared as a feeling of pure fear and dismay swept over her, chilling her bones. Without even thinking about the consequences or of what alternative course they would have to take later for defeating Zelena (or even if they could), she kissed him.

She clutched on the lapels of his pirate coat and ran her hand over his cheek, whispering for him to "Come back to me" and he had. With a loud breath and spitting water of his mouth, and Emma had never been so relieved in her life. And terrified at the same time because she had almost lost him.

She realized something in that moment of terror and relief: she _thinks_ she love him. It has to be love right? If his possible death chills her bones and slices her heart, it perhaps should be something more than just a crush or infatuation or liking?

This was the last straw confirming Emma's decision to leave because her heart can't take any more loss of another emotional attachment. Killian Jones shall remain the love she never even gave the chance to break her heart.

 _ **The moment when you know you know it but can't say it yet**_

"Goodnight Killian"

"Goodnight, love"

Emma shut the door behind her and let herself lean onto it. Her eyes wide and breathing ragged from the earth-shattering kiss she just shared with her pirate.

It had all just been climbing beanstalks, fighting teenage demons, fighting green witches, fighting time portals and snow monsters; basically a helluva a lot of fighting villains and monsters. Maybe it was all just sexual tension and some understanding? Maybe, in reality how things work, they didn't have much in common and their _quiet dinner_ wouldn't be quite enjoyable as they both hoped.

But, oh boy, was she wrong. Leaning on that door, the only regret she has from the night is that she couldn't invite him in for coffee (in both the literal and metaphorical sense of this realm). She enjoyed the evening, hell, loved it as he made her feel that she was _just_ Emma Swan – not a Savior, a mother, a daughter or anyone with a shitload of responsibilities on her shoulder. Just Emma, a woman donned in a pretty pink dress on a date with a very handsome man in leather.

It had all been so sweet and clichéd romantic, just like all the romance movies she hates and cringes at the couples but deep down inside wishes for someone to do all those sweet things for her. And he had - from arriving with a rose, to pulling her chair for her, making her laugh with all his stories and laughing at hers as well, from walking her to her loft with a firm hand on her waist and pulling his jacket over her shoulders without needing her to ask when she shivered from the cool breeze. It was all so perfect and it ended with a goodnight kiss, a kiss that made her toes curl and heat and wanting shoot down and _god that mouth would be lovely down there._

She truly had wanted this night to never end. She wanted to prolong the night, thus asking him for a walk by the docks as they both clutched onto the late night hot cocoa they bought from Granny's. She could do this, _they_ could do this. They could be a normal couple, as normal as they could be for Captain Hook and the Savior, but they could because she loved him.

Oh yes, she did. She loved him. She loved him the way he loved her – with a burning passion of a thousand suns and like he was the one who hung the moons and stars. She loved him and even though it should terrify her, it didn't. If the fact that the first thought when she woke up and the last thought before she slept was of him (and Henry), and wanting for it to be his voice that greets her whenever her _talking device_ ringed, wanting him to be by her side when she was in the station or hunting down the Snow Queen, or just wanting to have _quiet moments_ with him was love, then she was so deep in it. And of course he was in love with her too. She hadn't needed any confirmation of that though Ruby did recite her a line when she was gathering their hot cocoa's and he made a quick trip to the mensroom that Killian looks at her as if she's the sea, and he's desperate to drown.

Emma knew she was fucked. Her past romantic partners had ended up dead, shattering something inside of her that was always reluctant to let someone else in. She still had the urge to run, to pack her bags and take Henry with her and run where no one can find her. Where a pair of blue eyes won't make her feel _loved_ or _wanted._ But she didn't want to. She was going to take this risk with him because even if she ends up heartbroken, it would be worth it.

But still she can't tell him yet. It was all still new even though his vow to win her heart had been over a year ago. She wasn't afraid of loving him, she was afraid of professing that love to him and it somehow changing everything.

Emma Swan loved Killian Jones and she was not going to let anything – no villain, no Savior duties, and not even her own urge to run, ruin them. She loved him and one day she'll tell him in another one of those quiet moments that she's now desperate to spend with him.

 _ **The moment when you know you know it but can't keep it in any longer**_

Sometimes Emma really can't believe her fucking life.

Just now, literally just hours ago, she and Henry and Regina had somehow managed to come back to reality, away from the villainous Charmings, bandit Regina, knight and light magic bearer Rumplestilstkin, and a very dorky and raffled and _cute_ Hook. A very dead trying-to-save-the-woman-and-her-child-I-just-met Hook.

She was still recovering from all of that chaos in that alternate universe, and Killian being here and most importantly alive, and the fact that she was planning to go to the Jolly later with him and _finally_ have her nightcap with him and gather the courage to tell him those three words she coward out earlier.

But now this.

Darkness, the dark one or whatever the hell this black smoke was that was surrounding Regina, knocking out all the light from inside her. But Emma couldn't let this happen. Partly because Regina is her friend and partly because if Regina becomes the Evil Queen again, this town would be in serious trouble. Emma was the Savior and Sheriff; it was her duty. And besides, her friend had worked extremely hard to get her happy ending and Emma had also promised to help her gain it. So now that Regina finally has her happy ending with her son, Robin, and her friends, and after she _worked too hard for it to get destroyed,_ Emma decided to take her place instead. After all that's what heroes do.

It wasn't too bad really. Her parents had figured a way to take the darkness out of her once, they'll do it again. And she had complete faith in her pirate who would find her and bring her back as he had held many rescue missions before.

But amidst all this chaos, when he pulls her arm and begs her "No. Please don't do this" she can't not tell him. He must know, surely he must know. She saw the flicker of disappointment in his eyes as his face fell when instead of the three words he was hoping for her to say, she thanked him instead. Later, she had to tug on the corner of his lips to deliberately make him smile (She had later compensated for her chickening out on the three words by intensely making out with him as for god's sake she was straddling him!)

She wanted to say these words in a more romantic and nice and quiet moment but she _can't not_ tell him. It kills her that she has to say it now when he'll lose her, just the way he had lost Milah with her parting words being exactly these. But she had to let him know as she really can't keep it in any longer.

So with a firm grasp of his hand on her heart, she lets the words slip out of her mouth, " _ **I love you**_ _"_

Emma Swan loved Killian Jones widely known and called by his more colourful moniker Captain Hook, and as the darkness was filing her in, knocking out all the light from her, her last vision was of him, and her last pure and light thought was how Killian would save her, bring her back because their love – true love – can transcend realms and break any curse. She had complete faith in their love and now would await for him to muster the words back to her.

(He eventually did. Once he brought her back from the darkness with a True Love's Kiss, he whispered the words back to her and neither Emma nor Killian ever shy away from the three words, muttering them whenever they can because why the bloody hell not. These kindred spirits had finally found love with each other and for once in their lives, everything was good).


End file.
